Three Strikes
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: Three is Yuuri's unlucky number when it comes to sexual situations, and he's going to need a lot of extensive therapy after this. Crack.


**ONE**

The first one was a fastball. It slammed past at maximum velocity, leaving him dazed and confused.

It was the last day of break. Yuuri, a precocious child of twelve, was to start middle school the next day while Shori was to start high school. This was a very important turning point in Yuuri's life, or so he thought, because middle schoolers were Independent. They got to choose their own club activities, so no one could force them to dress up like angels for the school play if they didn't want to. Never again would he be subjected to his mother's whims! All he had to say was, "Mom! I'm in middle school now!" and she would have no choice but to accept his new Grown-Up-ness.

After bounding into the house and calling out a quick "Tadaima!" Yuuri looked around. The house seemed strangely empty. Of course Dad was at work, but where was Mom? He peeked into the kitchen and saw a note posted on the fridge.

_Out shopping, will be back before dinner.  
Love, Mama  
_  
"Onii-chan?" Yuuri called out for his brother as he wandered back into the living room. There was no sign of him there.

Lately, Shori had been getting kind of secretive about things, and he wouldn't tell Yuuri about them. Their parents would just say, "Ah, he's growing up," which wasn't the best explanation. Yuuri was mostly okay with that, though, since they were all entitled to their own personal space, but... Even if he would never admit it, sometimes he missed how close they used to be. It was mostly Yuuri's own fault that he got so caught up in baseball and chose to spend more time with his Little League team than with his older brother, but it was also partly Shori's fault for not coming to his games.

"Onii-chan? Shori, are you there?" He made his way up the stairs and turned toward Shori's room. The door was open just a crack, and he could hear some voices coming from within. It sounded like Shori was already playing some sort of game, but Yuuri figured it wouldn't hurt to continue his original plan. "Hey, Shori, I borrowed that new RPG we were talking about. Wanna play?"

There was no answer.

Sometimes Shori got so caught up in whatever he was doing that Mom had to call multiple times for him to come to dinner. He really got absorbed in his studies, or sometimes his computer games. Yuuri shrugged and pushed open the door.

He immediately regretted it.

Shori's pants were down, and his hands were gripping his cock, rhythmically stroking it. His head was tilted back as he watched the computer screen, panting softly. It was then that Yuuri noticed the voices he had heard were girls moaning.

_What? What is this? I'm watching onii-chan masturbate to a hentai game? This is so wrong!_ Yuuri's face contorted into shock; into a silent scream.

"Aaaah! Onii-chan! More, harder, faster!" the virtual girl demanded. "Onii-chan! Nnn, oh, onii-chan, I'm coming!"

"Aaaaaahhhh!" Yuuri screamed out loud this time, his mind unable to handle the trauma of discovering his brother's secret fetish.

Hearing a cry that was definitely not coming out of his computer's speakers, Shori finally snapped out of his self-pleasure. "Wait, Yuu-chan! I can explain!" Shori called out while his pants were still around his ankles.

Yuuri quickly shut the door and ignored all of his brother's shouting. No way was he going to wait! He ran off to his own room, hid under the covers, and tried to convince himself that this had never happened. _Get a grip, Yuuri! It. Never. Happened._

Then he started middle school, learned to knock, and never called Shori "onii-chan" ever again.

...

**TWO**

Three years later, as Yuuri was beginning his own high school career, he was unexpectedly sucked into a toilet-dwelling black hole in the women's restroom, which turned out to be some sort of inter-dimensional portal that dumped him in a fantasy land with swords and sorcery and macho American football players who shouted strange things at him. Mr. Denver Broncos had plucked his head up as if it was a pigskin and did stuff to him, and after that there was this epic battle involving knightly princes and flying skeletons. It had been...strange. And that was the understatement of the year.

That first night in the castle, Yuuri lay in bed and thought about the day's events. His eyes were drawn to the heavy embroidery of the canopy overhead. The bed was so large and so fancy... It truly was "fit for a king". Even as his eyes closed, he couldn't help but think that he was doomed.

Engagement? Bad. He was too young for this! He'd never even dated before, so wasn't he doing things all out of order?

Engagement to a man? Worse. Because now he had to deal with all those cultural taboos against homosexuality and how to explain those to the people of Shin Makoku. He wasn't even gay, or at least he didn't think he was since he found himself admiring Lady Cheri's...assets.

Engagement to Wolfram? The worst! _Why?_ Just _why_? If he had to get engaged to a man, why couldn't it have been someone more understanding, who would let him break it off? If there was a god out there, he had it in for Yuuri to stick him with the brat who insulted his mother and then tried to fry him to a crisp.

Yuuri wanted to cry. He probably would have if he hadn't still been in shock. His future was ruined! It was all so needlessly complicated, but, well... He would deal with it in the morning. With that, the newly crowned king sank into his fluffy pillows and fell asleep.

When he woke up, there was a lot of screaming and a sleepy naked man in his bed.

"Uwaaah!"

"Mmm... What?" Wolfram mumbled.

Yuuri just responded with a lot more screaming, followed by running for the baths and getting sucked back into the inter-dimensional portal. It dumped him right back where it all started. The worst part was that, in the midst of this nightmare situation, Yuuri felt the lower parts of his anatomy give a little jump at the thought of Wolfram's smooth, naked skin.

Nonononono. He could not be gay. This just wasn't happening! A dream, a dream! The whole thing was a dream! And besides, Wolfram looked like a girl!

Unfortunately, things just got worse over the course of that year, as it turned out to be very real, and Wolfram insisted on crawling into his bed. Then, to add insult to injury, the thought of all the other sexy men around him began to have an effect on Yuuri's nether regions, too. Sometimes Gunter's effusive tackles or Conrad's warm and sensual sort of hugs could get him to react; even Gwendal, that time in the desert... Damn teenage hormones! Yuuri's little friend continued to twitch in happiness at the most inopportune moments.

This pitch was like a slider. It was a slow breaking ball that bent to the side at the last moment, much like Yuuri's sexuality, which was, of course, now Officially Bent.

...

**THREE**

The third strike, Yuuri didn't see coming at all, even though it was, ironically, about another three years later.

At eighteen, he felt he had grown into himself. Yuuri was the king of the Mazoku, and he would do anything to protect his people. He had come to accept the role and all the responsibility it entailed. On the other hand, he was still just "Yuuri" who was spazzing out over college entrance exams.

When his friends in Shin Makoku had decided to attend his graduation ceremony, Yuuri had been ecstatic.

"Really? Awesome!"

He could barely contain his enthusiasm and had made preparations to bring them all with him as he went back to Earth. The bathtub was entirely too crowded for all of them, but Yuuri had just laughed it off.

Now, as he staggered back to his house after another greuling cram school session, Yuuri stretched out, yawned, and wondered where all the others had wandered off to. They seemed to like exploring Earth; oftentimes, while Yuuri was busy, Wolfram or Gunter would drag Conrad along and force him to explain all the strange sights of this world. Gwendal would tag along, "to keep them out of trouble," he said. Yuuri figured that he was actually curious himself, but was too embarrassed to ask about things directly.

Perhaps they were out again, because the house was pretty quiet. He was usually also out at this time, just taking a walk around and enjoying the outdoors, but today he was too tired for that.

"Hmm... Shori might be in his room. Oh, wait, no. He's got some business to take care of, that's right."

Yuuri dropped his bags by the couch and headed toward the kitchen to see if maybe his mother had left a note. As he approached, however, he heard muffled thumps and gasps.

"Nnngh!"

What was that? It sounded like someone was in pain! Was it his mother? Had someone broken into their house? Were they holding her hostage? Was she bound and gagged?

Blood running coldly through his veins, Yuuri felt himself start breathing more harshly with fear and anger. He rounded the corner from the living room to the kitchen with bold, determined strides while the faintest swirls of magic started gathering in the air around him. How dare they attack his mother! Those robbers were going to get a beating like nothing they had ever experienced before!

"You bastards better let her go right now! Or I'll- Oh my god."

"Nnngh! Yes, right there! Oh...that's so goo- oh... Uh oh."

Yuuri stared at the train wreck with furrowed brows and a deep frown. His mother was now glancing up at him in embarrassment. His mother, who was naked except for her customary frilly pink apron, and who was lying with her back on the kitchen table, legs hitched up around her paramour's shoulders. And was that whipped cream covering their chests?

The man on top of her stilled as well once he heard her surprised gasp. That was when Yuuri turned his attention to that man and had his world further shattered, because this was not his father.

"No. It can't be. C-C-Conrad?" he screeched loud enough that everyone within the city limits would have heard it.

Yuuri couldn't believe his eyes. It was bad enough that he'd walked in on his mother having sex - that was already ten times worse than Shori masturbating. But no. On top of that, or, to be more accurate, on top of her, was Conrad. _My mother is cheating on my father with my godfather! It's Armageddon!_

In the back of his mind, Yuuri thought for maybe one nanosecond that perhaps he had been lied to all his life and Conrad was his real father. No, he wasn't even going to go there.

He shook his head in disbelief. They stared back at him with wide eyes, like deer caught in headlights, or, more appropriately, like adulterers caught in the act. Thoughts ran wildly through Yuuri's mind. He was a mama's boy, sure, but he was still a good son! He'd have to tell Dad when he got home from work... And they might get divorced, and... And he had _trusted_ Conrad! This was just terrible!

Apart from the fact that Conrad and his mother having sex was so wrong on so many levels, Yuuri, while still shaking his head and slowly backing up from the scene, finally noticed that there was an extra set of hands among the bodies.

Actually, Conrad seemed to be sandwiched between two people. As this third person started to move, Yuuri heard the most disturbing squish come from their connected private parts. The man behind Conrad cautiously peeked out over Conrad's shoulder and started to speak. "Ah, Yuuri, w-we can explain!"

"Dad?" he whimpered. "Ah...ah..." Yuuri couldn't even get up the energy to have a proper scream anymore. Instead, he promptly fainted.

Yuuri's last thought as his vision darkened was that he hoped Conrad wouldn't rush to catch him this time, because he didn't want to hear the soft slurping sounds of his parents and godfather's body parts as they disentangled themselves.


End file.
